


Gravity

by katyjayy



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:55:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katyjayy/pseuds/katyjayy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla, lonely and full of self-loathing, seeks comfort. Occurs in the middle of the night after the events of 2.30.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gravity

**Author's Note:**

> 2.30 ripped my soul from my body and threw it into the chasm with the Dean. This is my first fic in about 3 years, so I'm a little rusty, but I had to write this. I woke up at 3AM and couldn't fall back to sleep, and I just sat in my bed and wrote and this is what came out. I barely proofread it, so if there are any stupid mistakes, I apologize.

She hated herself. She hated what she was about to do. Carmilla could hear Maman berating her, chastising her for her frailty. This kind of pathetic weakness would have proved Carmilla to be an embarrassment, a brazen blemish on her kind.

But... what was she to do? The second Mattie’s eyes fluttered closed, she could practically feel the coffin being slammed shut again, and the loneliness of all those decades in the dark began to seep in. When Laura threw herself in front of that beast who killed her sister, protecting her, saying what Carmilla was most afraid to hear, pleading with a “ _You know it’s my fault_ ”, it all felt somehow darker than that box underground. Laura. _Her Laura_. She wasn’t sure what was more painful; the excruciating knowledge that this girl whom she loved had betrayed her, or the desire that was aching and pounding against her ribcage to forgive her for it, even if only for the sanctuary it might provide.

And she hated herself. That need for Laura, the naive and childish urge to cling to that girl regardless of the pain she had inflicted, disgusted Carmilla. She was now being thrust into this loneliness, this solitude, at the very moment she knew she could not live with herself. So, in her head, Carmilla made a pact. She would allow herself one night. One night of comfort, of selfish denial of the harsh reality of life; and after that, she would disappear. It was best not to stay long enough for Laura to try to redeem herself, long enough to let the walls come down and give in. That would be no way to mourn a sister.

Pushing down another wave of self-loathing, Carmilla climbed the stairs to her mother’s old apartment. There was silence on the other side of the door. She raised one shaking fist and knocked lightly on the wooden frame. There was a brief rustling and some whispered chatter, then the door opened.

“Shit!” Kirsch exclaimed upon the sight of Carmilla standing there. “Guys, get back! It’s Carmilla!”

Inside the room, Danny swiftly stepped in front of Laura, shoulders broad and face stern. The smaller girl peeked around the redhead to look at Carmilla, pure anguish and fear painting her face. LaFontaine scrambled off of the chaise to their feet and began to search around them, presumably for a weapon of some kind.

“You won’t hurt them.” Kirsch tried to sound strong and threatening, but the crack in his voice revealed the terror coursing through him.

“I’m not here to hurt anyone.” Carmilla hated how weak she sounded. All of the ferocity and violence she had had earlier was gone, and Laura could tell. She was stepping out from behind the fortress that Danny was creating with her body to look at Carmilla.

“Carm...” The smaller girl took a step toward the vampire before being blocked again by Danny.

“Laura, what are you doing?” Danny demanded. “She’s dangerous!”

“I came to talk to Laura,” Carmilla said meekly, trying, and failing, to work up enough courage to look the girl in the eye. “Laura, can I just talk to you?”

Although she was staring at the antique Persian rug on the floor, she could see in her periphery that Laura was communicating silently with Danny. Eventually, the Amazon huffed and backed away. “Don’t you dare try anything,” she spat at Carmilla.

Laura took a hesitant step toward Carmilla, then another, and few more until she was at arm’s length, staring nervously at the vampire.

“Um, could we... could we talk alone?” Carmilla tried to say it only loud enough for Laura, but in a room full of people who were hanging on her every word, that proved to be impossible.

“Hell no. Absolutely not.” Danny was already moving back between the girls. “You really think you can make threats against all of our lives, then waltz in and have a private conference with Laura? Are you crazy? Are you-”

“Danny, Laura can decide for herself.” LaFontaine spoke up from the other side of the room, to the shock and anger of the taller redhead.

“She won’t hurt me, Danny.” Laura said quietly, trying to reassure her.

Danny’s eyes were wide with disbelief. “You were here earlier, right? You saw all of that?” She turned to Kirsch. “Are you going to back me up?”

“D-Bear, I don’t like it either, all right? But... we can’t stop Laura from talking to Carmilla. And... I don’t know. Carmilla seems okay.” Kirsch was trying to be gentle.

Danny shook her head and huffed angrily. “Fine.”

“Carm?” Finally, Carmilla looked up into big, brown, watery eyes. She immediately regretted it. The sight of Laura’s face made her lip quiver, and she had to fight tears that were welling up fast. She held her breath, afraid it might come out in sobs. “We can go to the bedroom, okay?”

Carmilla nodded once, looking back down at the floor. “That’s fine.”

“Laura, just yell and we’ll be ready out here to help,” Danny said, a hint of a warning tone for Carmilla’s sake.

Laura nodded, then walked past LaFontaine, who was putting their makeshift candelabra weapon back where it was, into the bedroom with Carmilla behind her. Once the curtains were closed, Laura turned to look at the dark-haired woman standing in front of her.

Laura had seen Carmilla starved and weak, with dark shadows on her pale face. She had seen Carmilla pained and saddened as she recounted the story of her lost love, Ell. She had seen Carmilla on the brink of death after facing her mother and Lophiiformes and lying at the bottom of a pit. She had seen her concerned beyond belief, desperate with love, aching with longing. Most recently, she had seen Carmilla distraught and traumatized by the loss of her sister, stung with betrayal by Laura’s hand. Laura had never seen Carmilla like this. The vampire in front of her was the embodiment of grief, of pain, of suffering. She was so _human_. Carmilla was, despite her immortality, despite her composition, despite her form, _so painfully human_.

“Carm,” Laura’s voice cracked. “Carm, I’m so... I’m so so sorry. I’m so-”

“Please, Laura. Please don’t.” Carmilla looked up at the girl. She loved Laura, and she felt sick. The girl across from her stood, shaking and whimpering and incapable of controlling the desperate little sounds she made as she cried. A wave of pain hit Carmilla, and she was helpless. She felt the tears coming, she felt the sobs building up in her chest. She gave in. She closed the gap between them, throwing her arms around Laura before she had time to flinch away. Silent, body-shaking sobs rolled through her into Laura’s neck. She could smell her hair, and was disgusted by the comfort that scent provided. Her first breath in was a heave, and the next breath out was a howling cry of anguish. Carmilla had never cried like this. Not even for Ell. She cried for Mattie. She cried for the harsh reality that she couldn’t take anything back. She cried for her own damned soul, for her weakness, for her hopeless lack of self-control.

Carmilla’s cries sent a pang of sorrow and guilt through Laura, who wrapped her arms around the dark-haired girl. She squeezed, desperately trying to comfort Carmilla, to protect her. She bunched the fabric of Carmilla’s shirt in her fists, latching tight enough to withstand a hurricane, as if she never intended to let go. She understood. She remembered clinging to her dad like this when her mother had passed. She held Carmilla the way she had wanted to be held that day. They stood like that, holding on to each other, faces buried in each other’s necks, until Carmilla had worn out every muscle in her body from crying.

When Laura felt Carmilla’s breathing begin to regulate itself and her arms slacken around her, she pulled her over to the bed by the hand. They laid together under the quilts and comforters, Carmilla’s head on Laura’s chest, Laura’s fingers rubbing Carmilla’s back and combing through her hair. They were silent. Laura was at a loss for what to say; she didn’t anything she could say would be appropriate, or would be better than the calm and quiet. This situation was foreign and uncharted for Laura. There was nothing to say; she just had to be still.

They fell asleep like that, both completely exhausted from the events of the day, each with a heavy stone in their gut.

 

* * *

 

Laura was awoken by the chatter of birds outside the window and the sudden lack of warmth beside her. She opened her eyes, still swollen from crying, to see Carmilla getting out of the bed. Sitting up, she questioned in a groggy voice, “Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.” Carmilla leaned down to slide her boots on, then began to lace them up.

“W...Why?”

“Did you actually expect me to stay?” Carmilla spat.

Laura recoiled at the familiar anger in the woman’s voice. “But, Carm... you don’t have to go.”

“I do.”

“You don’t!” Laura’s pitch rose as she got more upset. “Why do you have to go? You can stay, Carm. I thought-”

“You thought what, Laura? That we were reconciling? You thought everything that happened was going to be fine?” Carmilla was growing more and more furious, more and more disgusted with how close she was to just that. “You’d get an “oh, it’s alright, _cupcake_ ”, and it would all be fine? Did you really think so, Laura?”

Laura threw the blankets off of herself and reached for Carmilla’s arm, which was flexed and tense. She felt the knot in her stomach getting tighter and the tears pricking her eyes again. “Please, Carm. Please stay.” Her voice shook.

“I can’t, Laura.” The girl’s touch had softened her, and her resolve was already starting to weaken.

“You can!” Laura slid her hand to Carmilla’s, trying to pull the fingers from the clenched fist to hold. “Carm, please! I’m so sorry! I’ll do anything, just please, stay!”

“What are you going to do? What can you do to fix it, Laura?” Carmilla hated how much her voice was wavering. “It’s done.”

Laura sobbed, then kneeled on the edge of the bed and kissed Carmilla hard. She wrapped her arms around the vampire, hoping that maybe, it she held tightly enough for long enough, Carmilla would have stay.

Carmilla hated herself. She kissed Laura back. She held Laura’s face and tugged at her bottom lip with her teeth. She hated herself. She rubbed Laura’s tongue with her own, the familiar taste making her heart ache. She could taste Laura’s tears as they fell from her eyes onto her lips.

Laura finally pulled away to breathe, still holding onto Carmilla with all of the strength she had. “Stay,” she whispered to the other girl.

All the strength Laura could muster was still inferior to Carmilla’s vampiric fortitude. Reaching behind her, she roughly detached Laura’s arms from around her neck. She took a step back from the bed, drawing a desperate cry from the smaller girl.

“Why, Carmilla? I know it’s terrible and you have every right to be furious and to blame me, but why do you have to go?” Laura sobbed. “Why can’t you stay?”

Carmilla’s blood boiled with rage, mostly at herself. She could feel Laura’s pleas hitting her like cannon balls; each one was making her more vulnerable. She snapped. “Because I’ll forgive you, Laura!”

Laura was silent except for a hitch in her breath.

“Don’t you get it?” Carmilla could feel her throat straining not to let out a sob. “God damn it, I love you, Laura! And I’ll forgive you!” She was fully broken down now, every word coming from the tight cage of her chest. “My sister is dead because I trusted you! Because I’m so in love with you and so scared that you’ll get hurt that I sacrificed the only family I had left! And here I am, running right back to you for comfort the same night. I can’t let myself stay and forgive you.”

Laura was paralyzed with shock. Carmilla took the opportunity to turn her back and storm through the curtains into the room on the other side. Laura scrambled out of the bed after her.

“Carm, wait!” Laura practically screamed.

Carmilla hated herself. She could run, she could get out of this room right now, leave the temptation of Laura behind her forever. That’s what she knew she should do, but she wasn’t doing it. She was standing in the middle of the room, incapable of leaving the silly, naive girl who was running after her.

“Carm, don’t go.” Carmilla didn’t turn to face her. “Carmilla... Carm, I love you.”

The vampire froze.

“I love you, Carmilla.” Laura said, this time more desperately.

Slowly, the dark-haired girl turned around to look Laura in the eye. She searched the girl’s face. Laura stood, in the clothes she was wearing the day before, hair still messy from sleep, eyes red from crying. She was desperate. But _why_? What was she so desperate for? Did she even know?

Carmilla tried to compose herself, to make herself stone. “Do you really? Do you love me, Laura? Do you love me, and my apathy, and my past, and my violence?” Laura’s face fell. “Do you love my threats to kill you and your precious friends?”

“Carm, I-”

“I’m a _monster_ , Laura. I’m a 300 year old, murderous monster who feeds on little girls like you.”

“Carm, stop. You’re not-”

“You are a college student. And you’re centuries my junior. You don’t love me.” Carmilla’s voice was starting to rattle. “You can’t.”

“But I do, Carmilla! I sw-” Laura pleaded.

“No, you’re saying it so I’ll stay. Because you think it’s what I want to hear.” Carmilla let out a sound almost like a chuckle. “Or maybe you really believe it. Maybe you really think you do.”

“Well, what’s wrong with that? What’s would be wrong with me believing it’s true?”

“Laura, you’re still a child! You’re desperate, and you’re panicking because you’re losing control of the situation, and you’re hitting every button you can trying to get what you want. You don’t mean what you’re saying.”

“Don’t do that!” Laura sobbed. “Don’t tell me I’m a child! You don’t get to tell me how I feel!”

Carmilla opened her mouth to speak, but Laura cut her off. “You need me!”

The vampire was stunned. She suddenly felt so vulnerable, so very naked.

“You need me, Carmilla,” Laura said again. “You came back last night because you need me. You need me more than ever.”

“I don’t need anyone.” Carmilla tried to force a condescending laugh, but it came out as more of a choked sob. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“It’s okay, Carm.” Laura stepped toward her. The smaller girl pulled Carmilla in, holding on to her again. “It’s okay. You don’t have to go. Be mad at me, be furious, and hate Danny, but just don’t go.” Laura was begging.

 _Carmilla hated herself_. She kept seeing Mattie’s eyes dim, over and over again in her mind, and all she wanted was to wrap her arms around Laura and give in. She could already feel herself forgiving her. She was forgiving this girl for whom she sacrificed everything, and she hated herself for it.

This girl was magnetic. She had a _gravity_ , and Carmilla was helpless to the pull. She was a meteor, burning up in Laura’s atmosphere.

**Author's Note:**

> So that's that... I don't know if I'll add more. Right now, it's a one shot. Thank you for reading!!!


End file.
